dun expect me to be apart... we're not really on the same lines animore... i didnt wan tis but if u cant be botherd i cant be too... damn ur guts to even blow it... dun expect me to be the same when it has totally nothing to do wif me !

Freaking lost in space and time... been so robbed of focus... WTH wif BT... i'm so not in existance... better off hermit... damn... wadeva... i'm so couldn't be much bothered...

i'm not this free to be pushed around... I WILL NOT conform!!! since when and where hav i started to feel this heavy in tots... i'm not happy at all.... i lost myself somewhere... everyone noticed i changed yet sad to say not 4 the better... is tis for good or for the worst ? i dun wanna noe... i'm so not bothered... dun eva try throwing weights at me again... i'm not gonna swallow it... I'm not to be instructed around!!! in repetion again... u freako!

feeling damned horrible... i'd rather back off... i hate tis freaking whole arrangement! non-existant! i finally understand why anyone would eva make decisions as such, noe i know how they feel... i've seen too many is not ur fault... nobody has the rights to blame ya... they hav a part to play in it too... u cant jus shake off responsibilties and pinpoint at people! people suck sumtimes, and tts sad!

thunderstorm and isolation there may be! even if tts spells the entire world... and nobody knows and understand i noe sumone do... i hav only one shelther and always it will be! y do i even hav to let u noe y ? u were wishing it was u isnt it ? HA! i'm screwing up my own life! freaking being... better off dead...

i started a joke, it it left the whole world crying... and when i finally died... it started thw whole world laughing...

y do humans even hav to be tis un trustable... so robbed of my life and to think u're not even bothered... simply making my self look freaking ashamed and infact i am... very ashamed of myself... wad s goner... quit knocking at my heart and even trying to read my mind... no one needs to noe... who cares anyway! aniwae i wun be around 4 tt matter i'm hermit aniwae! for all i need now is peace! thank you and very very much!!!!!!! u're prob gonna think i'm refering to sum one else anyway, wadeva! perished!

btw... i almost forgot... heard news from lao da t my most respected bro might be cuming back wif ax... well its not the 1st time to hear tis kinda info la... tt guy super wu jian dao one lo... since a long time ago... but wads diff now is tt i asked him prev if he was cuming back he said no... tis time round he said depends... if he is back bro will be back too... i said depends on wad ? ax said friendship... lol... he is still as emotional as ever...

i'm jus concerned about our bro... if he cums back will he be able to catch up ? after all those major changes... i miss him.. i really do... at least sumting's getting better...

sch started... haiz... freaking block teaching... so far its only been a week and everyone's bored and tired... i bet the lectuerers too... haha ... remove this system quick... i hope.. lol... felt like a million years since i last blogged...

new changes in the division... i'm so sorry my sisters... but seriously time isnt on my side... i cant help but feeling a little outcasted... kinda worried tt i'll lose touch wif stuff anf u gals after all my big hu-ha in sch... things r getting better la... nearer to target... jus tt i got no $ =(... sign... cant expect too much oso la... wad to do ? sign... tts so xiao ji la... man !!!... i feel like i hav no involvment there at all... piang... like getting v wu jian dao... diao... still the fear still exsists... guess it will take a while to remove it after all these years... NO PAIN... NO GAIN...

sign... tt guy ma... so sad lo... tt day he ignoreed me on msn... sob... jus cos he is sick and got no mood... honestly getting a bit tired of all the ai mei... dunno to leave it or not... really dun wanna think about it... jus tt he seems an ideal choice... sian diao... haha... i'm too busy 4 it oso la...

my world's spinning... someone save me...

so... now the issues were cleared... rin, u were rite... now can finally see wad u meant... level up again... wee! away i'm not gonna let anyine down... prob uncle mic ba... i'm really sorri i noe u meant well... but tis place really do mean a lot to me... it has given me too much liao... and still my task here isnt complete...

guess wad means most to me now is to quick gain sum resuts and earn sum $ ba... damn broke... so sick of tt... and of cos wad else... him lo...

haven seen him or few days liao... surprise me i didnt miss him tt badly... still dumped into him at taka yesterday... sign see him even better... now i'm missing him like mad...

i feel so jammed like tis... i'm drowning yet i'm not sure how to help myself... yet i'm so afraid it gets deep inside...
i dunno wads tt guy thinking... he makes a great bf i noe... but can i trust him on tt abt me ?
tts the prob when u happen to hav too high a expectation yet worry abt wad he will think ... lol

they keep tellin me not to get too serious abt tis... but i dunno... i'm never so easy going on these issues... i dunno wad he thinks now... and tts the biggest prob...

guess the more immediate way is to hit bam 1st ba...

meanwhile i'll jus hav to bear wif it lo... jus tt i miss him and still got phobia... so ironic...

its dangerous when u noe u r drowning yet still guarding tt part of the heart...

the best part is tt we still hardly noe each other... i really dun wanna make myself look like a fool animore... he is worth the risk if i take it ? i wan disppoints abt tis kinda thing animore... sum times enough is enough... i'm scared... i dunno wad to do... wif my emo... wif myself, wif him...

somehow i dunno how to blog wadeva i'm feeling and thinking inside now... tt girl jus got 2 new girls again when its not even her friend...y her ?... lol...i shout unfair... still ask give bnt summore... i mean theres nothing wrong wif tt la... jus tt i supposed she is simply so ignorant... she cant be tis in-sensitive is she? well, if she is... then tts jus too bad for her lo... i'm not starting a i-hate-her or a i'm-so-angry bulletin here... she's a sista too... sum times i wonder how can i be feeling things as such towards her... its cuming from inside me i noe... jus tt i think i found the crucial point...

feels like theres sumthing choked inside my heart tts so uncomfortable and yet u cant tell wads its really about or to remove it... i vow to do things u prob never be able to forsee now...

so much about thanksgiving as taught by zhong cai... wad he said was so true... its hurts oneself a lot when u get mad or hate sum one instead thank them for they drive u to achieve... no one would hav expected tt one of the sum one is one of our bdms... i'll prove u ppl wrong... afterall u peeps will prob never expect of wad i will be capable of doing... i never tot i'll do such a thing too... i noe i'm largely largely responsible... but it doesnt mean u guys didnt contribute to anything... afterall... its not necessary harmful... it might be a good thing too...

i swear i'll make u ppls' jaw drop... i swear to shove it in front of tt face of urs tt u were so wrong of u did previously... i'm so ashamed of tt pin u wear in front of ur chest... well... jus to make it clear... wad u said wasnt wrong but the way u did it aroused too many resentment... hey its not only from me... ever realised peeps be it from our ju zhi or others will shove away from u ? wadeva u taught me abt comm skills are like slapping urself in the face... its jus tt if u dunno me tt well... u prob jus think u do but u dun... lol... luckily i'm not ur DL... sum times i can really understand wad ur girls r going through... i seriously hav never seen such an insensitive guy like u... u prob lost urself in the midst of sumwhere and u better get urself back...

u peeps must noe tt u ppl hav been foolishly putting marks on me expecting me to achieve them... i'm not a doggy... lol... i noe u guys meant well... but its also true from my readings tt before u do anything as such... to anyone... be it the purpose... its impt tt u pls first fine tune ur mentality... it goes to tell ppl or rather ur followers alot abt u... remember... i am different...very one is... i'm only here for my design... tts the ultimate tt it still... i noe tis is everything to u... but its not to me... i mean tis is so unfair...

afterall... lol... i'm jus trying to express wadeva i feel sumwhere... i hope i iutgrow it... i hav to... i'll die like tis... not as if i like it... after a while tis will prob be like my growing up journal or sumthing... haha... i hope...

conclusion is tt... i found a new drive.. and i learnt new things... i'm gonna do it... not more buts or maybes... its a either make it or breal it thing... ou do or make do wif the situation now... i dun wanna be stepped under u peeps' feet... again u gotta earn my respect...

wadeav the mind concieve and believe, it can achieve...

somehow, i must hav been too bothered by my own problems... there seems to a lag in my relationship area... am i doubting my heart abt this? i dun think i am... but tts jus i think so onli... i cant be totally sure... is he drifting away? am i jus being naive?
i'm kinda scared abt tis too... i dunno wad to do ... not exactly... but i dun think i will do jus tt... i swear my dear i'm not playing hard to get or anything as such... some signs from u pls ?

u noe they always said tt sharing abt wad's in ur heart makes the load lighter... i realised tis is so true... i never knew it could make such a big difference, guessed i must hav been very expressive... time for a change to tt ? no idea... really... dunno if its better like tt...

rin, thanks 4 being a friend, a sista... wad u mention wasnt untrue... its jus tt i hav to jump over my own hurdles on my own account... afterall, these r my own issues, they v much depend on my own decisions...

sorry if these period in time i was really horrible and scary... i didnt mean it... still its the difficult part when u r bothered by something yet must still show as if everything is alrite... i'll do it anywae

i'm jus unhappy wif the wae things r... seriously i invested my time, effort and money all these while never expecting or wanting things like tt...

rin, i do agree wif u abt y i wanna bother about wateva they r showing me... still, i do not understand y u got angry when i mentioned tt... its jus tt.. after a while of observation u might notice something in tt area... i mean i didnt say these things out of a fit of anger or something its been bottling up and tt means i hav some evidence to base on... still i trust u in not letting the cat of the bag...

wad worries me now is tt girl... gilbert could see tt there r some bad blood too... it has been along ... for the same reasons... my heart jus wont give the way out... i dun wanna make this worst... afterall, u gals didnt really do anything wrong abt it to go through tis big hoo-haa wif me... there isnt such a need...

gilbert keeps telling me to tok to her directly abt it... but in the 1st place how am i supposed to do it? should i ? i really dun wanna bombard her wif anything anymore... if i tell her am i giving her the upper hand ? she's been wanting tis.. i noe... jus tt she doesnt know wads going on wif me... i feel as if i'm taken for granted and tts the point... afterall will there be changes to tt even if i tok abt it ? its a sensitive issues.. and i really dun wanna face wad might be cuming my way... i seriously feel so insignificant... its painful and tts the worst part...

i noe its prob got to do wif my own character oso... jus tt its difficult to face ur own personality problems after all the hardwork to realised tt the problems i'm facing now is my own doing... as if i deserve it... i dunno if its really my fault... but i swear wad they did wasnt good either... i mean if u r a networker, i'm sure u must be good in ur comm skills yet i'm getting tis... i trusted u guys so... i'm here to grow... i noe i am a leader i'm trained to... i noe tt from the inside... anyone could tell... still in a situation like this am i given a chance? still ? feel like i'm so forced into everything... as if i odd to...

papa bear, now i tt i noe abt wad u did... rin, dun feel bad abt it, it was still good to noe... i mean i noe she has her strengths... and we all can see... its jus tt we all hav our strengths and i feel like no one's there to guide me and for me... of cos i dun wan her to be the one... i dunno if i can trust her as much for her intentions and capabilities... i noe i shouldnt say tis for the fact tt we r one... but its from the bottom of my heart... i feel so on my own and no one understands... even if there r... who's there to help ? the fact tt she regconises herself as THE ONE... u must noe she's a zhi bei girl oso... she's making herself feel important... we all need to feel important... i'm not any different the fact tt i'm doing all these doesnt say tt i'm not doing wad she is doing oso... but she is like tt openly even in front of the few of us (our team) declaring she is the one... as if we can never be better...i mean tts so inconsiderate... if she is really tt good or know me tt well as she assumed herself to be...then why am i so not in favor of tt? as i was saying we all hav our strength, and we always say tt in the outside world its either u make use of ppl's ability or ppl uses urs... yet with our ' u r ur own boss' concept here... i feel like we r not on even grounds... its like the supposedly-not-good us r being made use of...

i'm not blaming anyone for anithing... its not as if i'm not responsible... but i'm really scared tt i'm gonna be left behind... tis even for the one i trust the most... yes... him ... the fact tt he told me to go ahead... really... i was hoping he would tell me not to and how am i supoposed to go abt doing things here... did misunderstood me ? i noe he is one who will choose to leave those behind if one's not willing to go along wif him... i'm disappointed abt tt... really... and tt feels seriously bad... i mean i held him in very high esteem but how is he gonna be treating me ? i dunno... few noes but i do suffer from insercurity issues... and tt might be where the issue is sprouting from... how to solve it though ? things arent getting better like tt... prob tts wad the comfort zone gilbert said i was looking for...

still, again i emphacise... i admire mr james phang and i will never want to stop being his student and follower... no one can deny the nti system... I AM NOT LEAVING NTI... and i am NOT BLAMING anyone..

Oei
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